216 Tao

My grandfather [a man I called a grandfather] said to me, hurry and be rich and get married. Do it all before I die. His face is puffy from the heart pills he’s on, and he still smokes. I nudged him in the shoulder and said, “We’ll you better live longer then.”He tried to introduce [that’s the Vietnamese introduction] to some women, but I knew it wasn’t going to work. They thought I was picky, but I said, “But she’s under 20.” An arm’s length, a wall, racism, politics, or a bubble suit should be the only things that separate people – not a decade. And besides – she hardly speaks English, which to some mean very little but I’m a talker. Hesitant people already irritate me.

It sounds gay [maybe there’s a better word, but it’s the only word I can hear my friends calling me]. But I want it all – companionship, trust, but most importantly love. I think a relationship can survive with two out of three things, but some people just settle for one and fake the other two. I think about it – just being with someone, to fill in the void. It’s what we do by nature. Dogs dig up the yard, and we fill in the holes. Cats cover up their shit. The unpleasant, the holes – weaknesses, embarrassment, and shame, we cover them all up. And ask the simple question – why aren’t I with someone.

And when you rush it and it doesn’t work out, there’s divorce. I’m not going to into that, except to say – no one ever thinks they’re going into the contract with someone thinking that they’ll be the downfall of their lives, especially so early on it. I used to be deadly afraid of it, especially when it failed – it’s like having the wind knocked out of you, your feet swept from underneath you, and then you wake up. Nothing looks the same, and you spend days, weeks, and months trying to find out where you are, and what type of man [person] that you are in this new place in your life. But I wrote this last night, and I liked it.

I want an epic love, the type that endures the world. It’s shit out there, and when you come home, when you see that person – that person is your shield. It glows and ornamental, legendary in many eyes because it has endured so much punishment. And it will continue to do so.

I want lightning – in that blink of an eye, it hits you, surging volts and volts of energy, capable of jump starting your new life. You even have to look up in amazement from time to time. A friend and I talked about how long it was since we’ve had that long conversation – that six hour talk, and it made me long for it. To have that conversation and connect, words flowing like rivers and good music. Talks so long lasting that keep you up until dawn, and the only reason you stop is because your body can’t last that long. It has to sleep. You hate it, and you think you might not be able to, because you’re excited, but you can, because there’s a piece of mind that you carry with you. That there is love that won’t fail you, and it will only breakdown because you can’t physically meet its perpetual nature.

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