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My Obituary, Per CC

Friday, April 21
LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST DIES TRAGICALLY

David C. Tran, host of the popular Fox network show “Shut the Fuck Up” was found dead in his Cleveland home late Wednesday. Cause of death was determined to be a heart attack resulting from chronic constipation, according to the Cuyahoga County coroner’s office.

Tran graduated from Bowling Green State University in 2000, astonishingly without an STD. After brief stints in teaching and sales, he was given his own local talk show on Channel WB 43 after unwittingly calling the station manager a “buck-toothed Dominican retard” while in line at the local grocery store. After a conversation was struck, the man was so impressed with Tran’s lack of feeling towards his fellow human beings that his only place was in the public eye. Originally entitled “Who Wants To Be A Moron”, the show involved celebrities being interviewed and ultimately belittled by Tran. It ran successfully for five years and in syndication before Tran signed a development deal with Fox. Retitled “Shut the Fuck Up”, the show was an instant nationwide hit, topping the Nielson charts for three years.

The last two years of Tran’s life, however, were plagued by trouble, the infamous JV Cheerleader scandal, known locally as the Lakewood Lolita, being the most publicized. A sham marriage to actress Anne Heche that resulted from a dare and a charge of polygamy late last year also caused embarrassment followed in a downward spiral of bizarre behavior. Friends say the eccentric antics seen on his show, such as smearing his naked chest with tofu while propositioning the Bush twins, or telling comedian Denis Leary that he would be “one of the chosen ones when the dark times come”, was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Says friend and adult film star CK.

Dave got real paranoid after Anne [Heche] divorced him, you know? His cat ran out on him ‘cause he was so fuckin’ nuts, always walkin’ around naked and shit, makin’ everyone call him ‘Dr. Pooky Love-Jones’. But man, stress can do that to a dude. That whole tofu thing? Yeah, man, just a cry for help.

Another friend, who declined to give her name, stated that it was ironic that Tran died the way he did, as he had always wished to “go out like Elvis”.

Tran is survived by five ex-wives, his baby-mama, 17 children, and his Puerto Rican manservant, Jorge. Following a private service at the Heaven’s Gate Reformed Church next Friday, his ashes will be fired off in two bottle rockets over Lake Erie from the Edgewater Pier, as per instructions pertaining to his estate.

Almost Home

Monday, April 17
In NYC today, I'll post something when I get back. I haven't foresaken you my children.